Two Months

December 5, 2014

Your two month angelversary is today.  The month has been busy. I returned to work. Seeked the counsel of a Maternal Fetal Specialist, celebrated a major holiday (Thanksgiving) without you and planned and held your memorial ceremony.

I seem to have really come out from the fog in the last few weeks.  The parts of my days that are sad are fewer and fewer.  I can joke and don’t feel guilty laughing. Our household routines seem to finally be returning to normal.  I’m busy now that I’m back to work and have resumed my duties as dance mom.  I’m sure that normalcy and preoccupation helps.  

But mostly I think I’m doing so much better because with your loss, I really faced the grief head on.  In the five weeks I was away from work, I made grieving you my job.  I surrounded myself with your memory. I looked at your pictures and belongings, talked about you with many people who made themselves available to listen: my friends, co-workers, Troy’s coworkers, family.  I have even been seeing a grief counselor and attending a monthly support group for pregnancy loss. I wrote about you, created art about you, and really just immersed myself in the process of grief.  There was no hiding.  It was painful but I seeked it out and through that diligence and persistence, I feel as though I’ve come out stronger on the other side.  

It felt like I was beaten in those first two weeks, but now I see just how resilient I can be.  I’m optimistic for the future once again, and for that I am grateful.