Confession: I like to be in control. Part of what makes pregnancy loss so difficult is that it is just so damn out of my control. Ironically, I controllingly suggested to my grief counselor that I needed her to do something to work on my control issues. Her idea was to have me playbuildwork with sand as a way to remind me that I can do everything I want to try to shape the sand but that I will only be able to control it so much. I set to work and soon I’d created a very uniform and structurally sound pyramid out of my sand. I think it went against the point she was trying to make, but my perfectionistic and controlling tendencies sort of won out on this one. She was able to point out a very few random grains that slid down the sides as I purposely placed shells in even intervals around the pyramid’s walls.
But that wasn’t the only time sand has come into play since Olivia’s death. When my mom and I went to Lake Erie for a short getaway in the early weeks, we went to a beach I’d visited as a child. There, I wrote Olivia’s name in the sand. This is a common thing for baby loss parents, but I’m not sure exactly why. Is it because it looks pretty? Is it because it’s comforting to see your baby’s name as proof that they really existed? Or is it because it’s so fragile? It’s like our babies we’re remembering: there only for a short while before the tide comes in and washes it away. Maybe it’s all three of these. Maybe it’s even more.
And now for the request: The next time your travel plans take you to some sand, I would be very grateful if you could take a picture of Olivia’s name and send it to me.
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