They Asked!

December 21, 2014

While my brother was in town, three of my aunts came to visit. My two year-old nephew is quite the draw!  It was the first time I’d seen them since everything changed. My emotions got the best of me right when they walked in. We hugged, I cried, and then they got to visit with the little one.

Toward the end of their visit, my Aunt Kate asked if I wanted to share anything of Olivia’s with her. YES! We went upstairs and I pulled out all of her belongings: her urn, book, pictures, memory box from the hospital, and more. I started to share, and a few minutes later, Aunt Meg and Aunt Mary were knocking at the door and asking to join us. The four of us sat in a circle on my bedroom floor and I shared Olivia’s story while surrounded by the strength of the women in my family.

Compassion

December 9, 2014

At this point, most days are mostly ok. But today was a hard day. It began with a staff meeting, which I dreaded last month because I felt so conspicuous having just returned to work. This time, I was more worried about the visual of a very pregnant co-worker, but I had a plan. I sat off to the far side and behind a bookshelf so I would be able to avoid the visual. As it turned out, I ended up right in the midst of the hubbub caused by a new mom returning from maternity leave and two gift bags plastered with BABY on them to be presented to new parents. I leaned over to my co-worker and, panicked, told her I was not in a good seat after all.  

But the meeting was about to start and I was stuck. Or so I thought. The next thing I knew, my assistant principal came and said, “Let’s talk.” She had noticed the distressing situation and wanted to give me a chance to get out.  Thank goodness. As soon as we left the room, the tears came. There are so many times that my emotions are JUST barely kept in check. And then something happens, and BOOM! I can’t keep it in any longer.

I got myself together, listened to the rest of the meeting from the hallway, and then went to my classroom to destress a bit by texting with another mom who “gets it.” We met at our support group and she was available to “talk” right when I needed her.

I’m thankful for a compassionate boss who saw the situation and got me out before it escalated. I’m thankful that she checked on me several more times today and offered to give me a break if I needed it. And I’m thankful, too, for the support system I am building within the community of baby loss. I just wish I weren’t in the position of needing these things.

Going Public

December 3, 2014

I've read my writing to several friends and family and they suggested that someday I might share these experiences with a larger audience. Last night I took the first step and exchanged writing with two loss moms from my support group. Reading their writing showed me how powerful and healing it is to see that there are others who get it. It was amazing to see that we'd often written about the same topics and even said nearly the same words.

 

So today I started a blog.

She Understands

November 5, 2014

When I leave my first day of work tomorrow, I am coming home to get together with another mommy who lost her baby, Zachary. He was just about your age I think. We don’t know each other well but at the same time, we know each other better than most people know us. We have both experienced the same unthinkable loss. It was quite the coincidence that we are meeting up tomorrow, on what I expect to be a very challenging day. Last week, she asked if I was available this Thursday afternoon because she was taking half a day off. I knew I was going back to work that day, but I hadn’t been able to decide which part of the day to tackle. Her suggestion immediately made my decision. Was that you, Olivia, putting her in my path to ease my pain that day? Thank you.

Seeking Support

November 5, 2014

Last night Daddy and I went to a support group for parents who have lost their babies. Again, it feels almost surreal that we belong in that group. But we do. We listened as other parents talked about their babies. Each one said something that rang true for me even though the specific details of each loss were unique. Then it was my turn to talk about you. I found a strength to talk without tears for much of the time. Was that you there helping me along? I wish I had said more, but I know I will be able to tell your story again and again. It may come out differently each time. And that’s ok.