Final Loss Milestone

It's been eight long weeks since loss milestone four, and I am finally passing my final loss milestone.

It was at my regularly scheduled 16 week appointment last October that I learned the devastating news that my daughter no longer had a heart beat.

The final days leading up to my appointment today were mentally trying. I found myself reliving the image of my lifeless baby on the ultrasound. I heard sound bytes of my doctor telling me the news. I was terrified of receiving this news again and frightened of the resulting medical procedures and psychological anguish.

But, Dr. L came in and immediately went to the ultrasound to show me a baby with a beating heart. Will seemed to be sleeping, but Dr. L knows I worry if I don't see him moving around. We watched for a while and saw him touching his face, crossing his legs, and rolling over.

With this appointment, I ran out of prescheduled appointments. I had been previously unwilling to plan anything past this milestone, but now that it's behind me, we went ahead and scheduled a 17 week appointment and the 18 week anatomy scan.

This anatomy scan will be my next point of anxiety since it is likely to reveal any defects accompanying Will's Down syndrome. Dr. L reminds me that the weekly scans haven't given her any red flags but the 18 week scan will be with a much more powerful machine.

So now I wait again, but hopefully the most difficult wait is behind me.

Not as Expected

Dr. L held a box of tissues in her lap while she told us the test results. But I didn't need them since I didn't cry. Since then, she has mentioned at each of my appointments that my reaction was not what she expected.

Our ease with accepting this news is a bit surprising. If you would have told me a month ago that we would not be devastated if we found out our child had Down syndrome, I probably would have been surprised myself. I also probably wouldn't have believed you.

But here we are and as it turns out, we're ok with this news. If my doctor decides to bring this up again, I might try to explain myself a bit. I'm not sure if this is the true reason, but I FEEL like our reproductive past has a lot to do with my reaction. I've heard a lot worse news from my doctor than this. Will is still a living baby who holds a great deal of potential. Was I surprised? Sort of. Am I scared? A little. Am I devastated? No.

Today

Today we should have a 2 and a half year old.

Today we should have a 13 month old.

Today we should have a newborn.

Today I am 6 weeks pregnant.

Spur of the Moment

December 15, 2014

Today was a final last-ditch effort to figure out what causes our losses. Going in, we were told that there was a 5% chance that this test would have an abnormal result. As expected everything was normal. We are officially part of the 50% or more couples who have no known reason for their losses.

We’ve been planning to start fresh on our journey to have a third child in January, but now that we have the last test taken and the (lack of) results, I don’t see any reason to wait any longer to try again.

Choose To Dance

December 14, 2014

"I may not be able to choose the music, but I can choose whether I want to dance."

Making my family has certainly not gone as expected or desired. I wouldn’t wish this past on anyone. But this quote says it perfectly. This isn't the song we would have chosen. It isn't the artist, or genre, or even the station, but we still choose to dance.

Waiting

December 10, 2014

As a multiple loss mom, I kept waiting for the bottom to fall out with this pregnancy too. I waited through the first appointment when we checked to see where the baby had implanted. Then I waited through the appointment when we first checked for a heartbeat. I waited through two more first trimester appointments that showed healthy heart beats and still I kept waiting.

At about 13.5 weeks I stopped waiting. And then the bottom fell out.

On Trying Again

December 9, 2014

The last two times we’ve found out about losing our baby, I’ve had an immediate reaction that I was done having children. There was no way I could ever go through the pain again. In fact, with the ectopic, I even asked if they could go ahead and remove my good tube while they were at it. The doctor, in his wisdom, refused.

This time, again, when I got home from my 16 week appointment where I’d learned we’d lost Olivia, I promptly threw away my prenatal vitamins. I was done. How could we ever recover from this loss let alone the potential of more? When Dr. L sat on my hospital bed hours after delivering Olivia and suggested a surrogate if we still wanted a biological child, I adamantly agreed that I was DONE. Don’t worry, we’ll leave here and schedule a vasectomy to be done by the end of the year.

Then within a week, I started to feel desperate to be pregnant again--as soon as possible. If I were pregnant, surely this would all be better, right? I think my obsession with this idea is what pulled me from the dark depths of what must have been depression. It was a glimpse of hope. I read about tests and figured we’d find a cause, treat it, and be on our merry way.

Then came the fear. We had the testing done but found no answers about this loss or our rising number of losses in general. I felt frozen with fear again. There is no known reason, and therefore, no known treatment. There went my hope, weeks after finding it again.

I think at this point, the extremes have evened out. I’m not too scared or too desperate. We can try again even without answers. I will hope for the best and hopefully be prepared for the worst. I know that I’ve overcome a great loss (well, 5) and lived to tell about it. I can try again.

Insanity

November 14, 2014

We met with the MFM (maternal fetal medicine) doctor on Wednesday. He was kind enough and spoke honestly and bluntly. He didn’t say what I wanted to hear, but at least I have his candid opinion. All my blood work came back fine. No diabetes, no thyroid problems, and no clotting disorder. The doctors don’t seem to understand that this disappoints me. Surely I can’t be the only woman who wants so badly to find a reason for my misery that I actually hope there is something wrong with me? If we find a problem with me, we can treat it and have renewed hope about a successful pregnancy in the future. I am told that I should be glad I’m healthy. But it’s hard to be glad about that when your heart is broken.

The doctor says that the genetic testing on Troy and me is costly and very unlikely to be a productive test for us since Olivia’s chromosomes were fine. Alloimmune problems seem like a possibility to me, but medical evidence is not conclusive on whether this is a cause of pregnancy loss and how to treat it if it is. The doctor suggested an ultrasound with saline inserted in my uterus to check for structural problems. He doesn’t think it’s likely but said it’s easy enough and we should go ahead and rule it out. I guess that may be in our future for December.  

The doctor pointed out that the ectopic pregnancy, while awful and devastating, does not contribute to my miscarriage count. I’ve also read conflicting opinions on whether chemical pregnancies count. I guess I could try to find comfort in having fewer “countable” losses. He also believes that the fact that we have two living children can improve our chances of once again bringing home a baby. I keep wondering, “But what if something in me has changed since the births of Lily and Ella to make my body less hospitable to a growing baby?” I try to "reassure" myself that I had losses surrounding their births too, so hopefully it is unlikely that things have really changed.

There are some doctors who apparently treat with baby aspirin and/or prednisone when no cause can be found, but not the ones I have spoken with. The MFM doctor still believes that our chances of a successful pregnancy in the future are around 75%. But I’m just not sure I’ll ever be able to play these odds again. Each time I am so worried in the beginning but I also have dumb hope that all will turn out ok. I don’t know that that hope will ever return though. I’m reminded of a quote by Einstein: “Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.” How can I keep getting pregnant and doing the same (no)thing but still expect a different result?

Mother's Intuition?

November 10, 2014

On my birthday, while the rest of the family was wrapping my presents, I sat on the couch and laid out all of Olivia's new clothes I’d bought over the last few weeks. I surprisingly found myself silently crying with an outfit laying on my stomach. At the time I wondered if my reaction was tears of happiness but that didn’t seem to be it. Maybe it was relief to finally have a pregnancy make it this far again. Or maybe, I thought, it was just hormones. But maybe they were early tears of sadness. Did I somehow know? Or wonder? Or worry that something was awry?

I’d been apprehensive to tell people about Olivia.  I’d struggled to buy maternity clothes. It took several failed attempts of going shopping before I actually gave in and bought some. In fact, the first few things I bought as I entered the second trimester were non-maternity dresses so that I would still be able to wear them if something went wrong.  

I even had a thought four or five weeks before we lost Olivia that this time was so late that if something went wrong it would be completely different than the other times.

Mother’s intuition or a scarred and scared mommy?

Isn't It Ironic?

November 2, 2014

I. Hate. Needles. I've hated them since I was little. So it just figures that having babies for me means a whole lot more needles than for a normal woman. Due to previous losses, each new pregnancy begins with serial hcg and progesterone draws. Preeclampsia required many more blood draws than normal. The ectopic required multiple hcg draws as well as three IVs over 2 days. And if I'm being completely honest, the IV is the worst kind of needle. In fact, with the loss Olivia, the first panic attack I had was when I got the IV.

So isn't it ironic that I am desperate to be diagnosed with a blood clotting disorder so I will have some possible reason for all of our losses? This testing included drawing 20 vials blood, and I happily gave it for the hope of discovering the problem and having a treatment to try. I mean how can I possibly be pregnant again without feeling we are doing something different that time? How can I believe the outcome will be different if we just do the same things? So now I sit here desperately hoping one of these tests is positive so I can have the treatment of giving myself a daily blood thinner injection in my stomach. Now that's ironic!

Odds

October 31, 2014

50% of recurrent loss no reason found

50% of late miscarriage no reason found

25 to 33% of recognized pregnancies end in miscarriage

2% of recognized pregnancies are ectopic

1.5% chance of miscarriage at 16 weeks gestation

I should probably play the lottery.

A Double Edged Sword

October 28, 2014

Olivia was our fifth loss. And that makes it harder.  We thought we had passed all the risky times of the pregnancy. We blew the old loss milestones out of the water!  We thought she was our rainbow.  

Olivia was our fifth loss. And does that make it easier?  We know this pain. We’ve traveled this path before. We know that we can overcome the intense grief of losing our babies before we ever get a chance to meet them.

Control

October 27, 2014

I don’t want something else to control when we stop having kids or how many kids we have. If we want to have a baby then damn it we should be able to!  Why do some people get pregnant by accident and get to keep their baby? Why do some people do all the wrong things during pregnancy and get to keep their baby? Why do some people get pregnant in the worse circumstances and get to keep their baby? Why do we carefully plan, intricately follow guidelines, and truly desire a baby and keep being painfully denied?  

Guilt

October 27, 2014

I feel guilty. Why am I not satisfied with the two healthy children we DO have? Why can’t I just walk away and say that two is enough. Two is great!  There are many people who can’t even have one child. So what is wrong with me that I am not satisfied? We could spare ourselves so much emotionally. We could spare ourselves the cost of testing to try to find a cause. We could spare ourselves the uncertainty of will it ever end up happily again?

Cursed

October 27, 2014

We’ve had due dates in February, March (2), April, June, July, and August.  Of all those due dates, we actually had a baby in May (due June 15th but born 5 weeks early due to severe preeclampsia) and August.  We’ve had losses in June (2013), July (2009), August (2006), October (2014) and December (2011). I feel like certain times of year are just cursed and now it leaves me wanting avoid those months.  When you combine all the due dates and loss dates, there just doesn’t seem to be much left.

Perhaps a September-December baby would be just the ticket.  At least we haven’t had any due dates during that time of year. January is too close to the terrible string of February-April due date losses (4!) so it has to be omitted.  Let’s see, that means I would need to get pregnant in December-March.  It is pretty unlikely we will even begin to try until at least January due to recurrent loss testing.  Even January might be a bit of a stretch.  So then you have to remember that I only have one tube left and the likelihood of this specific timing seems pretty, well, unlikely.  

It’s silly to think that time of year matters, but at the same time it’s hard to ignore the reality.  Due dates in February-April equal losses in June-August (and Olivia in October).

Months that are completely “clear” of loss associations: May, September, November, and maybe January.

A History of Loss

October 27, 2014

I have been really struggling with this a lot.  Why is it our reality to suffer so. much. loss?  How is this our life? When we met as 18 year-olds on our first day of college, we certainly never would have guessed we’d have seven pregnancies over the course of eight years. And that only two of them would end happily.

The first pregnancy resulted in a very early loss and its effect was far-reaching. Never again would we be able to see two lines on a test and assume that we would walk away with a living baby in nine months.  Pregnancy would never be a blissful, carefree time of nothing but joy and excitement. But at least the loss was very early. We would be able to quickly pass that milestone with future pregnancies.

But the losses keep happening later and later.  The second one was at 7 weeks. The third not detected until the 8 week appointment that I had somehow patiently waited for. That loss stole another piece of my sanity.  Now I couldn’t assume that no bleeding equaled a healthy baby. That was the first missed miscarriage. My body took five weeks to finally realize the baby was not living and begin to miscarry.   

Loss four was a whole new kind of terrible.  I found out I was unexpectedly expecting.  I thought that was great. I didn’t have to stress about trying to get pregnant. Or about making the decision to risk another loss. The decision was made for us. Certainly this pregnancy was meant to be.  Or not.  Just a week (or was it less) after seeing the positive test, I started spotting.  HCG levels were not increasing as desired and it was assumed I was having another miscarriage.  But it was far worse than that!  Our family left on a long-planned vacation in Florida while I was just about six weeks pregnant. I was pretty much expecting to miscarry on this trip but also a tiny bit hopeful that all would turn out. After just a few days away, though, I was in terrible pain.  The first hospital ran tests and performed an ultrasound.  The HCG was still climbing, although slowly. And they coudn’t find the baby in my uterus, or anywhere for that matter. They sent me away and told me to schedule a follow-up appointment with the on-call doctor for two days later. Well, by the time of that appointment, I was awaiting surgery in a second hospital. They had confirmed my worst fear: I had an ectopic pregnancy and by this time my tube had ruptured.  I had my right tube removed at a hospital while on vacation.

So that left me with a whole new set of worries.  Now, I would have to wonder if I would GET pregnant with just one tube.  And if I did get pregnant, I would have to worry WHERE the baby implanted.  And if the baby implanted in the right spot, I would have to worry about whether I would STAY pregnant.

With Olivia, I once again had thoughts of “this is meant to be.” We had easily conceived her.  An early ultrasound showed she was in the right place, and we had made it past the first trimester.  Then the shit hit the fan--again.  This time was far worse emotionally than ever before. This wasn’t just a baby we were losing, she was our daughter.  Now, I’m left with a feeling that I will never feel “safe” at any point during a future pregnancy.  I feel like we’ve been robbed of almost all hope.

Why do these losses keep happening? Why do they happen later and later? Why has my body stopped recognizing the loss right away? Why us???? Why are we the couple who loses our babies far more than we don’t?

Different

October 24, 2014

The loss of Olivia is just different from the other losses. For one, we knew about her for more than twice as long. We knew she was a girl. Our daughters knew about Olivia and were anticipating her arrival with us.  My body had already grown to accommodate her.

It was different also because she is the only baby we lost after seeing a heartbeat.  And we saw or heard it four times from seven to 12 weeks. She’s the only baby we lost after we were “in the clear” of the second trimester.  

But what really makes this different is we knew her as our daughter.  And the girls knew her as their sister.  We had chosen her name. We had talked about her. We had looked ahead and imagined our life with her.  Of course we’d imagined our life with each of our other losses but this time our imaginations had more detail, more reality to pull from.

And perhaps the most bittersweet: we had more time to fall in love with her.

Quotes from Dr. L

“You're not having a miscarriage.You're not having an ectopic.You're having a baby.”  9/4/14 12.5 weeks

“Don't do this to your momma.” 10/2/14 16.5 weeks

“If you still want to have a biological child you may want to consider a surrogate.” 10/5/14

5

October 21, 2014 (10 am)

July 5th positive pregnancy test

October 5th Olivia's birthday

5th loss

5 days between my birthday and learning you were gone

Light and Dark

October 20, 2014

Light

On the way

Excited and nervous

Strong baby

Opportunity

Complete our family

Happiness

Strength

Safe and Sound

Heartbeat pumping away!

Right where you needed to be

Grow!

Relief

Tears of joy

FROYO YOLO

Our family’s little secret

How much you were wanted

Feeling good

Delight

Happy

Upcoming arrival

A healthy baby girl

Over the moon

A baby sister

Flutters and nudges

A wonderful feeling

An exciting time for our family!

Optimism

Our strong girl

Nothing to worry about

Your staying power

Confidence

Olivia Claire

The symbol of a violet

Close to my heart

Carrying you

Your birthday, October 5th

Hello

Sweet baby

Our baby, beautiful and precious

Held your hand and foot on our fingertips

So tiny and so perfect

Our third baby girl

Forever our daughter

Carry you in our hearts

Dark

Suffer

Loss

Afraid

Hearts not complete

Heartache

Risk

Heart-wrenching silence

Long and uncomfortable

No heartbeat

Crashing

Steal memories

Short time together

Devastating

Disbelief, Anger

Deep, Intense

Incredible sorrow

Your birthday, October 5th

Goodbye

We cried and we cried

Grieving

Hardest day of our lives

Fragile little body

Lost opportunity to raise you

Empty

Sadder than we’ve ever been

Taken a lifetime too soon

WHY!?

Miss you

Long for you

Our third baby girl

Time is slipping

Days continue without me

Will I ever be the same without you?

A bad dream

A wave of despair

Stumbled out crying

A broken mommy

Miserable

Miss you

Tears, frustration, agony

Worry

Gone

No answers

Please forgive me