We met with the MFM (maternal fetal medicine) doctor on Wednesday. He was kind enough and spoke honestly and bluntly. He didn’t say what I wanted to hear, but at least I have his candid opinion. All my blood work came back fine. No diabetes, no thyroid problems, and no clotting disorder. The doctors don’t seem to understand that this disappoints me. Surely I can’t be the only woman who wants so badly to find a reason for my misery that I actually hope there is something wrong with me? If we find a problem with me, we can treat it and have renewed hope about a successful pregnancy in the future. I am told that I should be glad I’m healthy. But it’s hard to be glad about that when your heart is broken.
The doctor says that the genetic testing on Troy and me is costly and very unlikely to be a productive test for us since Olivia’s chromosomes were fine. Alloimmune problems seem like a possibility to me, but medical evidence is not conclusive on whether this is a cause of pregnancy loss and how to treat it if it is. The doctor suggested an ultrasound with saline inserted in my uterus to check for structural problems. He doesn’t think it’s likely but said it’s easy enough and we should go ahead and rule it out. I guess that may be in our future for December.
The doctor pointed out that the ectopic pregnancy, while awful and devastating, does not contribute to my miscarriage count. I’ve also read conflicting opinions on whether chemical pregnancies count. I guess I could try to find comfort in having fewer “countable” losses. He also believes that the fact that we have two living children can improve our chances of once again bringing home a baby. I keep wondering, “But what if something in me has changed since the births of Lily and Ella to make my body less hospitable to a growing baby?” I try to "reassure" myself that I had losses surrounding their births too, so hopefully it is unlikely that things have really changed.
There are some doctors who apparently treat with baby aspirin and/or prednisone when no cause can be found, but not the ones I have spoken with. The MFM doctor still believes that our chances of a successful pregnancy in the future are around 75%. But I’m just not sure I’ll ever be able to play these odds again. Each time I am so worried in the beginning but I also have dumb hope that all will turn out ok. I don’t know that that hope will ever return though. I’m reminded of a quote by Einstein: “Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.” How can I keep getting pregnant and doing the same (no)thing but still expect a different result?
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