One Year

October 5th marked the one year anniversary of Olivia's still delivery. That evening, our family did a few things to honor her memory. Lily and Ella got to decorate cupcakes at the grocery store, which means they adorned cupcakes with up to 4 trinkets each. They chose things like It's a Girl and Happy Birthday along with items they like best such as gumballs and Reese cups. We enjoyed the cupcakes before dinner then headed out to Olivia's tree.

Outside, Lily read Sleep Baby Safe and Snug, which is the book Troy and I read to Olivia while we held her in the hospital, and Ella sang a rousing rendition of happy birthday.

The next night, we joined many other families who have lost babies in pregnancy or infancy in a garden ceremony. It just so happens that October is pregnancy and infant loss month, so this yearly event coincides almost exactly with Olivia's anniversary. We added 5 tags for our 5 losses to a memory tree. We wrote messages to Olivia. (Ella's: Come to me so I can hold you.) Every family got to speak the name of their baby or babies for all to hear. Lily asked if she could be the one to speak Olivia's name and did a great job in front of the large group. The event culminated with everyone planting a tulip bulb for each of their lost babies. We planted 5. Four bulbs circled around the 5th, which we planted with our messages to Olivia.

These events were all done in joyful memory of our daughter and sister who we grew to love in such a short time last year.

Never Forgotten

In all this focus on Will, Olivia is not forgotten. Ella, especially, continues to remember and honor Olivia as her sister and as a member of our family.

With the end of the school year, both girls brought home portfolios containing their work from the year. I leafed through, interested in what they'd done and once again amazed that these books have become the norm each year.

I came across a family portrait from December in Ella's book. Ella's drawing had Ella, Lily, Mommy, Daddy, and Olivia. My heart melted.

She also enjoys counting how many boys and girls are in our family. Always, Olivia is included.

This week, Ella asked to hold Olivia in her "bottle". We got her down from Troy's dresser and sat with her. Then Ella decided we should read Olivia's book from the hospital to her and we did. Next she wanted to let Olivia spend time with the pink bear from the hospital. This led to looking through all of Olivia'a belongings, and when Ella found the bunting Troy and I had held Olivia in, she placed Olivia'a urn there. Finally, Ella placed Olivia back in the heart shaped case, satisfied that we'd spent our time with her.

Symbolism of the Violet

December 29, 2014

At my last grief counselor appointment, my counselor mentioned that she had done some research on the symbolism behind violet--the flower and the color. She explained that she found quite a bit of meaning that has led her to believe it was no accident that we chose this symbol for Olivia. (You may recall that we decided on this symbol during the first few days after we learned Olivia had died. I suggested to Troy that we should use the flower as her symbol since I did not want to use it as her name as he had suggested.) So tonight, I am looked for myself. These are the copied and pasted tidbits that stood out and are meaningful to me.

-Folklore says the violet connotes a love that is delicate. (What could be more delicate than my tiny baby?)

-In mythology, Diana changed a nymph into a violet to protect her. (Olivia is now safe from any harm.)

-The violet does have a more sobering side, though, in that the flower is associated with death--and resurrection. (We had no idea the flower had anything to do with death)

-a meaning for violet of death too soon (whoah!)

-Few flowers have symbolized the renewal of spring, and the triumphs and tribulations of love, as much as the violet. (Here's the idea of rebirth again.)

-Both Greeks and Romans associated violets with funerals and death. Violets were routinely scattered around tombs, and, as symbols of innocence and modesty, children’s graves were routinely so blanketed with violets that the grave was completely covered. (Wow, specifically associated with children's deaths?!)

-One ancient tale states that violets were in fact white until Mary was filled with anguish from watching her son, Christ, suffer upon the Cross. At this moment all the white violets turned purple to echo her mourning. Perhaps this is a reason why purple remains a color associated with mourning. (I can relate to how Mary must have felt.)

-From the 16th Century, the violet's use as a pain reliever was extensive, since it is among the few plants to contain salicylic acid, the chief ingredient in aspirin. (Crazy! I have been taking a low dose of aspirin for the last month since it seems to have some empirical benefit for recurrent loss)

-White violets - depict...the desire to "take a chance on happiness" (Well, that's what we're choosing to do by trying again.)

-Violets are the perfect sentiment that says to someone "you are unique, special, and part of a perfect whole." (I'm not sure about heaven,but if Olivia is there,she is whole now.)

-Longfellow: “purple violets lurk among all the lovely children of the shade” (I interpret this as shade being death.)

-The poet Shelly uses the flower to commemorate the grief of a lost love in the poem "On a Faded Violet."

The odour from the flower is gone

Which like thy kisses breathed on me;

The colour from the flower is flown

Which glowed of thee and only thee.

A shrivelled, lifeless, vacant form,

It lies on my abandoned breast,

And mocks the heart which yet is warm,

I weep--my tears revive it not!

I sigh--it breathes no more on me;

Its mute and uncomplaining lot

Is such as mine should be.
(What more can I say?)

Added February 10, 2015:
This violet was a gift from my coworkers that thrived for weeks with beautiful blooms. It was pretty much at its height of beauty for Olivia's memorial on November 23rd. Then the blooms stopped coming but the plant continued to grow many new leaves so I knew it was still doing well. I transferred the plant to a violet pot given to us by one of Troy's coworkers a while back. Just this week it has started growing buds again!

They Asked!

December 21, 2014

While my brother was in town, three of my aunts came to visit. My two year-old nephew is quite the draw!  It was the first time I’d seen them since everything changed. My emotions got the best of me right when they walked in. We hugged, I cried, and then they got to visit with the little one.

Toward the end of their visit, my Aunt Kate asked if I wanted to share anything of Olivia’s with her. YES! We went upstairs and I pulled out all of her belongings: her urn, book, pictures, memory box from the hospital, and more. I started to share, and a few minutes later, Aunt Meg and Aunt Mary were knocking at the door and asking to join us. The four of us sat in a circle on my bedroom floor and I shared Olivia’s story while surrounded by the strength of the women in my family.

Teddy Bears

December 10, 2014

They say a grieving mother’s arms physically ache from the desire to hold her baby. So, when the chaplain came to speak with us in the hospital she brought a teddy bear. I held it through our conversation, but after that I decided it would be nice to give it to the girls as a keepsake from Olivia.

Except within days I was longing to have it back. I asked several times, but Lily had already staked her claim and had no intention of giving it back. Then one night a few weeks later, I was putting Lily and Ella to bed. As I rubbed their backs, my mind wandered to an image that would never be: rubbing three girls’, Lily’s Ella’s and Olivia’s, backs as I put my daughters to bed. Quiet tears followed.

Lily, noticed my tears and knowingly handed me the bear. The next morning, she enlisted the help of her grandpa and fixed a small hole in the bear’s armpit then gave it back to me. She has never again asked to have it back and I’ve slept with it in my arms since.

I was amazed and so proud by Lily’s maturity in this instance, so I thanked her in the days that followed. Ella overheard my gratitude and wanted to give me a bear as well. That bear now sits with Olivia.

Memorial Around the Tree

December 3, 2014

On Sunday, November 23, we had your ceremony.  That morning, 19 of us gathered to remember you.  People traveled from as far away as North Carolina to be able to honor you. I began by setting out all of your belongings.  I had shared them with some of the people before, but for many this was the only time I would take the opportunity to share your private things with them.  We all signed a page in my book, and we all wrote messages to you.  In the notes, people gave you nicknames they would have called you: Olive Branch, Olive.  They talked about the things they would have done with you as you grew up: horseback riding with grandpa. They said that they can’t wait to meet you someday.  

Then we went outside and circled around your tree. Somehow this late November day was warm enough that we didn’t even need a jacket!  This is especially incredible since just the day before, we woke up to a glaze of ice on everything and the snow that had been on the ground nearly a week finally melted. We listened to music I’d chosen: You’ll be in my Heart, Gone too Soon, and Over the Rainbow. I read your eulogy through sobs.  Then we took turns reading and speaking. I read Your Time of Year, a piece I wrote a few weeks earlier.  Daddy read a poem about how all you ever felt in your lifetime was love. Uncle Adam spoke about the hope of seeing you again someday. Grandma Linda shared a poem her friend wrote just for you and our other lost babies. Nana spoke of the kindness our family has received from loved ones, friends, and even strangers. Then we all sang your lullaby.  I passed around your urn and we each had a chance to say our goodbye. Some kissed you. Others blessed you, and others just had a chance to hold you in your tiny urn.  

We ended by each releasing a purple balloon. Many of us watched them until they were out of sight, and Nana and I cried in each others’ arms when they were gone. 

(The balloons traveling off into the distance)
Lily gave everyone a purple flower she made with tissue paper and pipe cleaners. She attached a tag with your name and birthday. Ours look beautiful in a vase on the table.

Leading up to the ceremony, Daddy tried to keep my expectations realistic. He knows my tendency to imagine grand things only to be let down by reality. But it was everything I imagined and more. It really was a wonderful ceremony and several people, including Daddy, remarked after that it was so beautiful and much more than they expected.

My message to you that day:  

Trees

November 17th, 2014

When you were born, the leaves were still green on the trees. During my weeks of intense mourning, they turned their colors and fell. Now, just six weeks later, they are sagging in heavy, wet snow. The trees are intent on marching on.

(Olivia's tree in the first snow of the season, just a week after the tree was planted.)

I realized that the season changed without me about two weeks after you died.  I didn’t want to miss it entirely, so I asked Nana to go out to the woods during her lunch break so I could see and possibly appreciate the colors of autumn before they passed without me.  We did just that. I took pictures of several pretty trees but even by then many had lost their leaves.  

Over the next few weeks, I continued to look for trees that still carried their colors.  I would snap some pictures in a parking lot or while walking the neighborhood for Trick or Treat.  I wanted to make sure to live this season and see it for its beauty even though I was grieving.  It felt like I had to really live this time of year so that it didn’t just slip away.

Trees have become important in my journey of remembering you.  We have planted a Crimson King Maple tree in our front yard to remember you.  Your ceremony will be held around your tree this Sunday.

Lily and I created collage trees side by side a few weekends ago. It was Lily’s idea to make a fall tree with pictures cut from magazines. I saw this as an opportunity to experiment with the idea that you were supposed to be born in Spring but instead came in the Fall.  I made a collage tree that was half green leaved with blossoms and half red, yellow and orange leaved. 

 This led to another tree created out of legos. This tree also carries two seasons of leaves.

My next project will also involve trees.  I am going to create a tree drawn with words. Half of the tree will have the words from Light and will be written on the Spring side with blossoms of color. The Fall half of the tree will be made of the words from Dark. On this side, I will use bare branches.

(Here it is finished now.)

Over the year, I plan to take pictures of your tree in the different seasons.  I will frame a collage of the tree in its first year: fall, winter, spring, summer. This will be in place of the first year photos I would have taken of you.

Planning Olivia's Memorial

November 6, 2014

Start inside to sign guest page in my book and view Olivia's belongings set up on the dining room table (play You'll Be in My Heart)

Write notes to Olivia

Go outside and circle Olivia's tree

Play Gone too Soon by Daughtry

Light Olivia's candle

Jen: Today we gather to remember and honor Olivia Claire Dramble: Our daughter, sister, granddaughter, niece, and cousin.  Although her life was short, it was a mighty life.  She proved her strength time and time again as we watched her grow on the ultrasounds, listened to her heartbeat on the doppler, and even began to feel her move.  

Olivia brought us excitement, hope, and joy. Ella hugged her and kissed her through my belly daily. Lily and I spent an afternoon carefully matching up outfits at a store. We all shared in the conversation of naming her. We all imagined her completing our family.

Ella sing Twinkle Twinkle

Lily read I'll Love You Forever excerpt

Troy read:

Too Soon - Mary Yarnall

This was a life that had hardly begun

No time to find your place in the Sun
No time to do all you could have done
But we loved you enough for a lifetime

No time to enjoy the world and its wealth
No time to take life down off the shelf

No time to sing the songs of yourself

Though you had enough love for a lifetime

Those who live long endure sadness and tears


But you'll never suffer the sorrowing years

No betrayal, no anger, no hatred, no fears

Just love - Only love - In your lifetime.

Jen read Your Time of Year

Uncle Adam speak about hope

Allow anyone else opportunity to speak

All sing lullaby together

Jen: put Olivia’s urn into its box

Release purple balloons while playing Somewhere Over the Rainbow

Jen, Troy, Ella, Lily blow out Olivia’s candle

The cover of the program:

Star

November 5, 2014

Daddy decided to put up the big screen to watch an OSU night game two weekends ago. It was sort of silly since there were only four of us to watch it. And it was a bit on the cold side. But none-the-less we sat out there.  After half time, Mommy, Nana, and Grandpa Larry were watching the game and talking a bit. We should have been only able to see the bright and giant screen in front of us, but instead, off to the right of the screen, I saw a shooting star. I wasn’t completely convinced that was what I’d actually seen, but Grandpa Larry said he saw it too! That was so unexpected. We’ve sat outside purposely trying to see shooting stars during a meteor shower only to see none. Here we were in a very unlikely situation and two of the three of us saw it!  

I have to think it was a signal from you, Olivia.  A way to say hello.  You see, I had already planned to have Ella sing Twinkle Twinkle during your memorial ceremony.  Hello, baby, we saw you!

Violets

November 5, 2014

We’ve embraced your symbol: the violet. I’m so glad we thought to choose a symbol right away. We went from no violets in our house to many. I am trying to turn my brown thumb into a green thumb with a violet plant. That will be quite a feat considering the finicky temperament of the plant. So far so good! I wear a violet charm with you near my heart. I cross stitched a bookmark with beautiful violets. I even had the perfect amount of space to add your name and birthday to it! The book I write in is covered in purple flowers! And your memory box from the hospital even has your violets. Daddy has added to our violet collection, too. He uses a violet mug now and he made the wallpaper on our giant tv a field of beautiful violets. Your sisters have their violet Olivia Collection charms as well. This flower that had no significance to us now means everything.

Your Time of Year

October 27, 2014

Your due date was March 16, 2015. You were to be our light at the end of winter’s tunnel. You were due the Monday of Spring Break. You were a baby with “perfect teacher timing”. You would be born and I would stay home with you until Summer break started. We would have five whole months together before you would see a babysitter.  

So when I began to think of a tree to plant in your memory, I immediately wanted a tree that would have beautiful spring blossoms. Spring, after all, is your time of year. I found delicate trees with spring blossoms and began to think about the beauty they would add to our yard in your time of year. But Daddy had other ideas. He pointed out that spring was your time of year but not anymore. Now you are our fall baby.  

I thought about that idea. Maybe I would need to reevaluate my plans for your tree. I began to research hearty trees that would show beautiful leaves in the fall. I remembered how I have stood outside in our front yard and longed for some shade. It was then that I decided to plant a tree that would grow big and tall over the years when you couldn’t. It would spread its limbs up and out and its leaves would provide the shade that I had hoped for. I found the Crimson King Maple that would have dark purple leaves during the summer months and then turn golden in the fall. Yes, Olivia, you are our fall baby and we will plant a tree to honor you and your time of year.

I hope that looking at your tree as I pull up to the house or glance out the window will bring me a sense of peace. I plan to hold your memorial ceremony around the tree once it is newly planted. I imagine taking family pictures by your tree for big events over the years. And then you will be in them in a way. I even dare to imagine that one day I will sit on a blanket under your tree and your little brother or sister will be there with me.

Not Hidden

Your ashes are on Daddy’s dresser

The book we read to you is propped beside you

Your birth announcement with your footprints hangs next to Lily’s bed

If we keep all these things out in the open, can we keep your memory alive forever?  Someday will we look at these things without sadness?

Ways You’ll Be Remembered

tree in our front yard

memorial ceremony

necklace for Mommy

pictures of your hand and foot in frame

violet charms for Lily and Ella

violet mug for Daddy

memory box from hospital: hand and foot castings, footprints, bunting

violet cross stitch bookmark Mommy made
urn engraved with your name and birthday
windchime