Final Loss Milestone

It's been eight long weeks since loss milestone four, and I am finally passing my final loss milestone.

It was at my regularly scheduled 16 week appointment last October that I learned the devastating news that my daughter no longer had a heart beat.

The final days leading up to my appointment today were mentally trying. I found myself reliving the image of my lifeless baby on the ultrasound. I heard sound bytes of my doctor telling me the news. I was terrified of receiving this news again and frightened of the resulting medical procedures and psychological anguish.

But, Dr. L came in and immediately went to the ultrasound to show me a baby with a beating heart. Will seemed to be sleeping, but Dr. L knows I worry if I don't see him moving around. We watched for a while and saw him touching his face, crossing his legs, and rolling over.

With this appointment, I ran out of prescheduled appointments. I had been previously unwilling to plan anything past this milestone, but now that it's behind me, we went ahead and scheduled a 17 week appointment and the 18 week anatomy scan.

This anatomy scan will be my next point of anxiety since it is likely to reveal any defects accompanying Will's Down syndrome. Dr. L reminds me that the weekly scans haven't given her any red flags but the 18 week scan will be with a much more powerful machine.

So now I wait again, but hopefully the most difficult wait is behind me.

In the Right Hands

A while ago I wrote about questioning whether I should keep seeing Dr. L or switch to a new doctor.

What I can now say is she has been so supportive of me and is working overtime to help alleviate my anxiety. Dr. L now uses an online portal that allows patients to send written messages. This is a major contributor to my peace of mind because I have direct access to my doctor rather than having to go through a nurse first. With previous pregnancies, I expressed to Dr. L that the nurses felt like gatekeepers keeping me from her. This time I shared that the portal and the direct access it provides to her is a Godsend. She revealed that messages automatically still go to nurses but when she sees one from me she grabs it and responds herself. What is even more amazing is she has responded at 10 on a Saturday night and while on vacation.

In addition to quickly responding to my concerns, Dr. L has basically let me set my own appointment schedule. I requested an appointment last Monday to coincide with my eye appointment. At first a nurse said there were no appointments available until April 9th. The next thing I knew, Dr. L sent me a message that she would add me to her full schedule on March 30th as I requested. At that appointment I said I felt weekly appointments would be best for my peace of mind and she agreed to not only see me weekly but to add me to the end of her day every Tuesday so that I wouldn't have to miss work.

Today was the most recent in my string of weekly appointments. We got to see a wiggly baby to get me through the next few days. Next week, at our request, we'll draw blood for the genetics test that reveals whether the baby is a boy or girl. I definitely feel that I'm in the right hands.

Milestone 4

Monday was my latest appointment. It had only been 6 days, so I was doing pretty well anxiety -wise. Most of my questions today revolved around the impact of my detached retina situation on my pregnancy. It felt a little presumptuous (could I really look ahead all those months to November) to ask about potential implications for delivery, but ask I did. Happily, the nurse who (without me asking) told me I would have to have a c-section was wrong.

Once again we did an ultrasound to check on the little one, and everything checked out. New this week, we could see arms and some wiggling. With this positive news, loss milestone 4 is behind us. Now it is a long 8 week wait until the stage of Olivia's loss.

8 weeks

The next appointment will be Tuesday. For the foreseeable future, we'll be maintaining a weekly schedule to hopefully minimize my anxiety and stress.

Loss Milestones 2, 3, 3.5

I've been wanting to write since a week ago that I had passed my second loss milestone. At 6.5 weeks, we learned definitively that my 6th pregnancy was ectopic. I wanted to write that I'd passed that milestone but I couldn't due to fear. What proof did I have that this baby was still alive at 6.5 weeks? None. And so my writing ceased for a week while I was frozen in fear.

I couldn't write yesterday that I'd passed the third loss milestone either. At 7 weeks +2 days, I lost my 3rd pregnancy. But again, I had no proof that it hadn't happened again.

So, I'm here today able to officially say  that these two milestones are behind me. The ultrasound showed a baby measuring exactly on time at 7 weeks +3 days and a heart beat at 153. I'm even going to take a leap and call it .5 of the way past the next loss which was discovered at 8 weeks but showed that baby (pregnancy 5) only measured 5 weeks.

***Thanks to those who have sent Olivia's name in the sand!

Today

Today we should have a 2 and a half year old.

Today we should have a 13 month old.

Today we should have a newborn.

Today I am 6 weeks pregnant.

Timing

March 11, 2015

I can't help but notice the timing of this pregnancy. I found out I was pregnant at the very end of February, just days before the calendar changed to March. And I'll be honest, March seemed like a daunting reality since with it came the month Olivia was due. Now, I have renewed hope as I approach the 16th. The day will still have thoughts of what would have been, but now I will also think about what might be.

I worry though. What if something goes wrong right around the same time as Olivia's due date? What if I go to my first ultrasound on Friday and we don't see a heartbeat? (Which, speaking of timing, why on earth did I agree to an appointment on Friday the thirteenth?) Then I'll have to face two losses at the same time.

First Loss Milestone

March 11, 2015

Today I am 5 weeks and 4 days and therefore I have made it to my first loss milestone. The next one is at 6.5 weeks when my ectopic ruptured. We will know this Friday at 5 weeks 6 days if this baby is in my uterus. From what I've read we should also be able to see a heartbeat. I'm worried we won't see one and I'll be left to worry all spring break (and Olivia's due date) about what is going on.

There are times when I feel optimistic and then there are times when I don't. A week and a half ago, just days after finding out I was pregnant, I lost control of my emotions and took several pregnancy tests so I could compare their darkness to my earlier tests. When they weren't as dark as I'd hoped, I started spiraling into more and more worry.

Last Sunday, I had a moment when I realized I felt calm and pretty confident. I had shared about the pregnancy on my blog and knew many people had us in their thoughts and prayers. I wondered if that support was helping me get through.

Today I wore a pad all day because I woke up convinced that I would start bleeding.

The pendulum swings erratically and to extremes. Hopefully there will be reassuring news on Friday so it will swing back to the positive for a while.

A Prayer of Desperation

March 2, 2015

Please let this be a healthy baby.

But if it isn't going to work out, please let it end quickly.

Please, God, don't let this be ectopic.

But even that would be better than getting so far along that I'm actually fooled into thinking everything will be ok and then have it ripped away.

Scared Stupid

March 2

Yesterday I went to the doctor for the first time this pregnancy. I think it's safe to say I was literally scared stupid while I was there. It started with the rising feeling of panic in the waiting room where I strategically chose the seat facing away from the other waiting patients. I was called back very quickly. Then the stupids set in full force. The lab tech gave me directions that I didn't process and had to ask her to repeat. As it turns out, I was supposed to put my things one chair chair and sit in another. She asked a few identifying questions. I did ok with the one about my birthday, but I stumbled over the challenging one about my middle initial. "Um, Jennifer Lynn, so L."  Then the draw happened and I raced out of there.

Looking for Signs

February 27, 2015

I am trying to find positive signs to keep hope. Today when I was trying to swipe the word blogger on my phone, it thought I typed violet. Also, the violet plant I have been nurturing since October just started flowering again a few weeks ago...right around the the time of conception. These signs brought hope.

But as soon as I found those glimpses of hope, I opened a drawer that I apparently haven't opened in years because staring back at me I saw a book about miscarriage that the doctor's office gave me with my second loss. In 2009. That I had completely forgotten about and certainly didn't expect to see while putting away laundry.  Not the kind of sign I was looking for!

I've Been Made

First things first. My post called Cringe was not a pregnancy announcement. I was simply venting about a practice that bugged me when I was pregnant with Olivia and the pregnancy before her because my track record indicates that merely being pregnant is not really a strong indication of anything good to come.

But it has come to my attention that quite a few people interpreted Cringe as a current complaint and therefore thought I was sharing news of a new pregnancy. You all know we are trying to conceive, so it makes sense. So here's the truth: Cringe was not a pregnancy announcement because I wasn't pregnant when I wrote it on February 19th. But in the two weeks between writing and posting Cringe, I found out I am pregnant. I've inadvertently been made.

We are ever so cautiously expecting a baby in the beginning of November.

Please save your congratulations for a MUCH later date (may I suggest when I'm holding a living newborn in my arms in November). Instead, please pray for a healthy baby. Please send me support as I traverse the very scary reality of pregnancy after multiple losses. Please cross your fingers that this time will be different.

The Same Page (finally)

January 7, 2015

The day I delivered Ella I knew that couldn’t be the last time I had a baby. Troy wasn’t as sure of that, but he agreed that we could have a third as long as Ella and the baby were about two years apart. So, in 2011 when Ella was barely a year old, we tried to get pregnant again. Honestly, it seemed way too soon for me, but that was what Troy wanted, and I was willing to concede in order to have another baby. A few months later, I was pregnant and due a month before Ella turned two.  When we found out at the 8 week appointment that we had lost the baby, it was devastating to find ourselves in this position AGAIN, and I declared myself done forever. I donated my maternity clothes, and sold the baby clothes and gear. Troy kept quiet at the time and didn’t reveal to me until probably a year later that he had not felt done in the wake of the loss.

Then, I got pregnant in 2013. Although we had not been trying to get pregnant, I was immediately excited. Troy, on the other hand, had moved on from his desire for a third child. When we lost the baby due to an ectopic pregnancy which is inherently not viable and was also life-threatening for me, Troy and I once again found ourselves on different pages. I had a rekindled longing for a baby and mourned the loss of the one I’d just lost. Troy had focused on the medical emergency that it was for me, and was not keen on any future pregnancy.

But he knew how much I wanted it, and he agreed to try again for my sake. We tried for several months in the fall of 2013 and then I got discouraged by my bleak circumstances. It would now be harder than before for me to get pregnant since I’d lost a tube. And there were still no guarantees that once I did get pregnant we wouldn’t suffer another loss. In fact, after trying unsuccessfully for three months, we had already surpassed our previous longest length of trying without getting pregnant. I felt defeated and we called it quits.

But this desire for another child keeps sneaking back in. This summer, I once again had that longing. I just don’t feel our family is complete at two kids. Troy went along for the ride again because that was what I wanted. And then Olivia survived much longer than any previous loss. We told the girls about her and saw how excited they were to have a baby in our family. We knew her as our daughter and had totally fallen in love with her and the idea of a baby.

In the wake of losing Olivia, I can finally say we are both on the same page. Troy and I both want a baby and we now know our kids do too. At least we have that.

No Free Passes

January 7, 2014

It seems like once you’ve lost a baby you should get a free pass in any future pregnancy. I’ve been thinking about that as I consider how I will make it through another pregnancy. It will be terrible to start back at the very beginning. Waiting to see where the baby implants again. Waiting to see a heartbeat again. Waiting to see if morning sickness begins and then waiting for it to subside again. Waiting to pass the first trimester again. Now, waiting and holding my breath for every day after the first trimester until I hold a living baby in my arms. Wouldn’t it be nice if I could start back where I left off at 16 weeks? Wouldn’t it be even nicer if I had a guarantee that it won’t happen again even though I have to start back at the beginning? So, I’ve been thinking this and irresponsibly banking on the idea that surely nothing else should or even could be thrown at us in this arena.

Then I went to my support group last night and the leader happily/surprisingly shared that there were no new people there this time. But as we started sharing our stories, two people revealed that they had lost pregnancies in the last month. So there were no new people, but there were new losses. And that pulled me back to earth about the reality of this crappy situation. There are no free passes.

Grasping at Straws

December 15, 2014

Our two successful pregnancies came right on the heels of losses. I have wondered if maybe my body needs a trial run before really being ready to carry a baby to term. Maybe this is why we’ve had three losses in a row now--there was at least a year between each of my last three pregnancies.

Well, while talking with someone who has also had multiple losses, she mentioned in passing something about a six month window after a loss. I immediately picked up on this and asked her to elaborate. Apparently, her doctor has suggested that pregnancy outcomes are better within six months of a loss. Who knows if there is any research to back this up, but at this point I am grasping at straws for hope, and I’ll take it. The countdown is on.

Spur of the Moment

December 15, 2014

Today was a final last-ditch effort to figure out what causes our losses. Going in, we were told that there was a 5% chance that this test would have an abnormal result. As expected everything was normal. We are officially part of the 50% or more couples who have no known reason for their losses.

We’ve been planning to start fresh on our journey to have a third child in January, but now that we have the last test taken and the (lack of) results, I don’t see any reason to wait any longer to try again.

On Trying Again

December 9, 2014

The last two times we’ve found out about losing our baby, I’ve had an immediate reaction that I was done having children. There was no way I could ever go through the pain again. In fact, with the ectopic, I even asked if they could go ahead and remove my good tube while they were at it. The doctor, in his wisdom, refused.

This time, again, when I got home from my 16 week appointment where I’d learned we’d lost Olivia, I promptly threw away my prenatal vitamins. I was done. How could we ever recover from this loss let alone the potential of more? When Dr. L sat on my hospital bed hours after delivering Olivia and suggested a surrogate if we still wanted a biological child, I adamantly agreed that I was DONE. Don’t worry, we’ll leave here and schedule a vasectomy to be done by the end of the year.

Then within a week, I started to feel desperate to be pregnant again--as soon as possible. If I were pregnant, surely this would all be better, right? I think my obsession with this idea is what pulled me from the dark depths of what must have been depression. It was a glimpse of hope. I read about tests and figured we’d find a cause, treat it, and be on our merry way.

Then came the fear. We had the testing done but found no answers about this loss or our rising number of losses in general. I felt frozen with fear again. There is no known reason, and therefore, no known treatment. There went my hope, weeks after finding it again.

I think at this point, the extremes have evened out. I’m not too scared or too desperate. We can try again even without answers. I will hope for the best and hopefully be prepared for the worst. I know that I’ve overcome a great loss (well, 5) and lived to tell about it. I can try again.

Insanity

November 14, 2014

We met with the MFM (maternal fetal medicine) doctor on Wednesday. He was kind enough and spoke honestly and bluntly. He didn’t say what I wanted to hear, but at least I have his candid opinion. All my blood work came back fine. No diabetes, no thyroid problems, and no clotting disorder. The doctors don’t seem to understand that this disappoints me. Surely I can’t be the only woman who wants so badly to find a reason for my misery that I actually hope there is something wrong with me? If we find a problem with me, we can treat it and have renewed hope about a successful pregnancy in the future. I am told that I should be glad I’m healthy. But it’s hard to be glad about that when your heart is broken.

The doctor says that the genetic testing on Troy and me is costly and very unlikely to be a productive test for us since Olivia’s chromosomes were fine. Alloimmune problems seem like a possibility to me, but medical evidence is not conclusive on whether this is a cause of pregnancy loss and how to treat it if it is. The doctor suggested an ultrasound with saline inserted in my uterus to check for structural problems. He doesn’t think it’s likely but said it’s easy enough and we should go ahead and rule it out. I guess that may be in our future for December.  

The doctor pointed out that the ectopic pregnancy, while awful and devastating, does not contribute to my miscarriage count. I’ve also read conflicting opinions on whether chemical pregnancies count. I guess I could try to find comfort in having fewer “countable” losses. He also believes that the fact that we have two living children can improve our chances of once again bringing home a baby. I keep wondering, “But what if something in me has changed since the births of Lily and Ella to make my body less hospitable to a growing baby?” I try to "reassure" myself that I had losses surrounding their births too, so hopefully it is unlikely that things have really changed.

There are some doctors who apparently treat with baby aspirin and/or prednisone when no cause can be found, but not the ones I have spoken with. The MFM doctor still believes that our chances of a successful pregnancy in the future are around 75%. But I’m just not sure I’ll ever be able to play these odds again. Each time I am so worried in the beginning but I also have dumb hope that all will turn out ok. I don’t know that that hope will ever return though. I’m reminded of a quote by Einstein: “Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.” How can I keep getting pregnant and doing the same (no)thing but still expect a different result?

Isn't It Ironic?

November 2, 2014

I. Hate. Needles. I've hated them since I was little. So it just figures that having babies for me means a whole lot more needles than for a normal woman. Due to previous losses, each new pregnancy begins with serial hcg and progesterone draws. Preeclampsia required many more blood draws than normal. The ectopic required multiple hcg draws as well as three IVs over 2 days. And if I'm being completely honest, the IV is the worst kind of needle. In fact, with the loss Olivia, the first panic attack I had was when I got the IV.

So isn't it ironic that I am desperate to be diagnosed with a blood clotting disorder so I will have some possible reason for all of our losses? This testing included drawing 20 vials blood, and I happily gave it for the hope of discovering the problem and having a treatment to try. I mean how can I possibly be pregnant again without feeling we are doing something different that time? How can I believe the outcome will be different if we just do the same things? So now I sit here desperately hoping one of these tests is positive so I can have the treatment of giving myself a daily blood thinner injection in my stomach. Now that's ironic!

A Double Edged Sword

October 28, 2014

Olivia was our fifth loss. And that makes it harder.  We thought we had passed all the risky times of the pregnancy. We blew the old loss milestones out of the water!  We thought she was our rainbow.  

Olivia was our fifth loss. And does that make it easier?  We know this pain. We’ve traveled this path before. We know that we can overcome the intense grief of losing our babies before we ever get a chance to meet them.

Guilt

October 27, 2014

I feel guilty. Why am I not satisfied with the two healthy children we DO have? Why can’t I just walk away and say that two is enough. Two is great!  There are many people who can’t even have one child. So what is wrong with me that I am not satisfied? We could spare ourselves so much emotionally. We could spare ourselves the cost of testing to try to find a cause. We could spare ourselves the uncertainty of will it ever end up happily again?