No Free Passes

January 7, 2014

It seems like once you’ve lost a baby you should get a free pass in any future pregnancy. I’ve been thinking about that as I consider how I will make it through another pregnancy. It will be terrible to start back at the very beginning. Waiting to see where the baby implants again. Waiting to see a heartbeat again. Waiting to see if morning sickness begins and then waiting for it to subside again. Waiting to pass the first trimester again. Now, waiting and holding my breath for every day after the first trimester until I hold a living baby in my arms. Wouldn’t it be nice if I could start back where I left off at 16 weeks? Wouldn’t it be even nicer if I had a guarantee that it won’t happen again even though I have to start back at the beginning? So, I’ve been thinking this and irresponsibly banking on the idea that surely nothing else should or even could be thrown at us in this arena.

Then I went to my support group last night and the leader happily/surprisingly shared that there were no new people there this time. But as we started sharing our stories, two people revealed that they had lost pregnancies in the last month. So there were no new people, but there were new losses. And that pulled me back to earth about the reality of this crappy situation. There are no free passes.