Mother's Intuition?

November 10, 2014

On my birthday, while the rest of the family was wrapping my presents, I sat on the couch and laid out all of Olivia's new clothes I’d bought over the last few weeks. I surprisingly found myself silently crying with an outfit laying on my stomach. At the time I wondered if my reaction was tears of happiness but that didn’t seem to be it. Maybe it was relief to finally have a pregnancy make it this far again. Or maybe, I thought, it was just hormones. But maybe they were early tears of sadness. Did I somehow know? Or wonder? Or worry that something was awry?

I’d been apprehensive to tell people about Olivia.  I’d struggled to buy maternity clothes. It took several failed attempts of going shopping before I actually gave in and bought some. In fact, the first few things I bought as I entered the second trimester were non-maternity dresses so that I would still be able to wear them if something went wrong.  

I even had a thought four or five weeks before we lost Olivia that this time was so late that if something went wrong it would be completely different than the other times.

Mother’s intuition or a scarred and scared mommy?