Dr. L held a box of tissues in her lap while she told us the test results. But I didn't need them since I didn't cry. Since then, she has mentioned at each of my appointments that my reaction was not what she expected.
Our ease with accepting this news is a bit surprising. If you would have told me a month ago that we would not be devastated if we found out our child had Down syndrome, I probably would have been surprised myself. I also probably wouldn't have believed you.
But here we are and as it turns out, we're ok with this news. If my doctor decides to bring this up again, I might try to explain myself a bit. I'm not sure if this is the true reason, but I FEEL like our reproductive past has a lot to do with my reaction. I've heard a lot worse news from my doctor than this. Will is still a living baby who holds a great deal of potential. Was I surprised? Sort of. Am I scared? A little. Am I devastated? No.
Over the last nine years, I've had eight pregnancies. Two ended in the births of my daughters, Lily (8) and Ella (5). Five have ended in losses between 5 and 16 weeks. Chemical pregnancy, miscarriage, missed miscarriage, ectopic pregnancy, and late miscarriage are all part of my history. Finally, my 8th and final pregnancy, brought us our baby boy, Will, who has Down syndrome. With the loss of Olivia at 16 weeks on October 5, 2014, I turned to writing as a way to work through the challenges.
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