Never Forgotten

In all this focus on Will, Olivia is not forgotten. Ella, especially, continues to remember and honor Olivia as her sister and as a member of our family.

With the end of the school year, both girls brought home portfolios containing their work from the year. I leafed through, interested in what they'd done and once again amazed that these books have become the norm each year.

I came across a family portrait from December in Ella's book. Ella's drawing had Ella, Lily, Mommy, Daddy, and Olivia. My heart melted.

She also enjoys counting how many boys and girls are in our family. Always, Olivia is included.

This week, Ella asked to hold Olivia in her "bottle". We got her down from Troy's dresser and sat with her. Then Ella decided we should read Olivia's book from the hospital to her and we did. Next she wanted to let Olivia spend time with the pink bear from the hospital. This led to looking through all of Olivia'a belongings, and when Ella found the bunting Troy and I had held Olivia in, she placed Olivia'a urn there. Finally, Ella placed Olivia back in the heart shaped case, satisfied that we'd spent our time with her.

Anatomy Scan

On March 14th I wrote this:

For a week I prayed that this ultrasound would be reassuring. Specifically, I prayed that I would see the embryo had implanted in the right spot and that there would be a heart beat. At 5 weeks and 6 days, it would be right on the brink for this ultimate sign of life.

In case I would get what I prayed for but nothing else, I continued my prayer, hoping to cover all my bases. "Please let the baby continue growing until I deliver him or her, healthy in November." But I didn't stop there. "And let us raise him or her so he/she can grow until old age."

Then at the end of April we found out that Will would have Down syndrome. But I prayed for a healthy baby, I thought. Surly my prayers had not been answered. So my fledgling attempts at prayer ended a little more than a month after they began. In the seven weeks since then, there has been a sense of suspense while waiting for the results of the anatomy scan.

On Tuesday, Troy, the girls, and I went for the ultrasound. I had apprehension about bringing the girls. What if we received bad news with them there? But Dr. L had brought up the idea of them coming and I figured if she thought it was ok then we would do it. She also assured me that if she had to give us any negative results, she would do so in a way they wouldn't understand.

During the ultrasound I was on pins and needles. It was such a different experience knowing there was a very real possibility we would find something awry. With other anatomy scans, my primary focus was on finding out if the baby was a boy or girl. The possibility of finding something else really didn't register. This time felt different. I tried to read into the things the tech said or didn't say. I watched the images of Will on the screen but mostly I was focused on the appointment to come after where we would learn any results.

When it was over we got a few pictures to add to our growing collection. Then we went on to the real appointment. Dr. L shared that the only finding of note was a bright spot on Will's heart called an echogenic focus. She explained that it has no impact on function but that it is a soft marker for Down syndrome. She said, "Here's what I would say if we hadn't done the earlier testing: This finding can be an indication of Down syndrome and we can do further testing. But usually all turns out normal." Then she and I commented on how statistics and odds really mean nothing when we're talking about me.

Later that night I got a message from her that after reviewing all the images from the ultrasound, "other than the bright spot on the heart, the baby looks healthy."

I can't help but think back to my prayers for a healthy baby. We are certainly not completely in the clear yet. The next big hurdle is a fetal echocardiogram (a detailed ultrasound of the heart) in mid July. But the preliminary findings are there are no major structural issues. He appears healthy.