Friday, December 5, 2014

Clueless

October 21, 2014

Someone commented that they were sure I was enjoying my time with my girls while I was home from work for the month of October. And with that I knew they had no idea.

For the first two weeks I was in a daze.  Time just passed without me knowing it.  I could hardly take care of my basic needs let alone take care of my kids. Barely sleeping, bathing once a week when I could no longer avoid it, eating maybe once a day. I remember trying to feed Ella one meal about a week into this experience. It felt like so much work. It took so much energy and my presence.  How could I go through these motions when my mind and heart were with someone else? Without Nana and Grandma, the girls wouldn’t have been bathed, fed, put to bed, or done homework.

So, no, I haven’t enjoyed my time with my girls while not at work. I haven’t enjoyed my time period while I’ve been off work. MY BABY DIED!!! That is not enjoyable no matter how you spin it.

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