Disappointment

October 21, 2014 (1:30 am)

I waited with anticipation to get the pictures the hospital took of you.  This would give me a glimpse of you that I hadn’t seen yet. I already cherished the pictures we took but I had looked at them many times over and I was excited to see more.

When Daddy walked into the house after exchanging the other family’s photos for ours, he told me right off the bat that he thought I would be disappointed.  I took the envelope ready to look and judge for myself.  Right away I could tell the envelope was much lighter than the old one. There were far fewer pictures than the other envelope held.  

I leafed through the images. They did show that you had touched the bear and blanket, which I was hoping was true.  But the images didn’t match how I remembered you. They didn’t match the pictures we took of you.  I could tell time had not been kind to your body.  One or two of the pictures were ok.  Several more were downright disturbing.  I carefully placed the best few on top and the most upsetting photos on bottom.  

I don’t know what to do with these images that I anticipated so much.  Should I just keep the few that most resemble you? But how can I possibly choose to not keep ALL the pictures when these are all we’ll ever have?  I’m torn.